In one of the most devestating blows to non-partisan politics in the last few minutes, a group of Republican investors has started selling ‘W’ brand Catsup (or is it Ketchup?) to counter Heinz Ketchup’s supposed left-leaning ways.
It seems that the distaste for soon-to-be Democratic Presidential nominee John Kerry and his wife, condiment heiress Theresa Heinz-Kerry, is so entrenched on the right that all 57 Varieties, (Including the venerable, yet undeniably tasty 57 Sauce) are too bitter to swallow in this election year.
“W Ketchup comes in one flavor: American,” reads the W. Ketchup web site. “Until next year, when you can buy the W Fantastic Four Picnic Pack with Human Torch Hot-Sauce, Mr. Fantastic Mustard, Thing Relish, and Invisible Girl No-Fat Mayonaisse.” W Ketchup then urges all good Republicans to go see the Fantastic Four movie which hits theaters nationwide in May 2005.
Not to be out-done, the Democratic party quickly dropped Busch Beer as the official fermented beverage of the Kerry-Edwards ticket. “This is not a knee-jerk reaction to the ketchup thing,” said Kerry campaign spokesperson Ollie McClellan. “We’ve been thinking for quite some time about selecting an intoxicant that more accurately reflects the positive change John Kerry wants to bring to this nation.”
Since the announcement, beers under consideration have been a closely guarded secret within the campaign. Both Michelob Ultra and Coors Light have been mentioned for the nomination due to their ability to bring young voters into the fold. Zima remains unavailable as it is still under contract as the official malt beverage of the Dennis Kucinich presidential campaign.