Both the Bush-Cheney and Kerry-Edwards campaigns signed a memorandum of understanding concerning the upcoming Presidential and Vice-Presidential debates. “Memorandum of understanding” is a phrase politicians and businessmen types use instead of saying something childish and silly like “the rules.” I guess the thought is that by using words that we didn’t routinely use in the 4th grade to decide how our kickball game would be conducted, we can somehow add some gravitas to the equally juvenile (and sometimes less meaningful) antics that politicians and businessmen find themselves routinely engaged in.

To ensure a controlled and completely fabricated discourse, Section 5 (f) of the memorandum clearly states that each candidate is prevented from directly asking one another actual questions, but may retain the right to pose “theoretical questions.”

Since I’m pretty sure one candidate thinks theoretical means “like God and stuff,” and the other may not want to pose questions that aren’t meant to elicit a response lest he appear indecisive and elitist, I’ve taken the liberty of preparing a few safe questions from which either campaign can feel free to cherry pick.

  • Where does wind come from, and where the heck does it go?
  • Do you think Michael Moore would be so pissed off all the time if he lost a little weight?
  • 80’s era power forward Kevin McHale: would he still be an All-Star in today’s NBA?
  • What’s up with Rummy? He was a little creepy at poker night last week.
  • Whatever happened to Sinead O’Conner? She was one crazy broad, huh?
  • If a terrorist surrenders in the desert and a news crew isn’t there to publicize it, did it really happen?
  • Isn’t it about time to bring back the Cola Wars?
  • Who else you gonna vote for? Nader? Puh-leeeze.

The memorandum goes on to state that each candidate may:

“take notes during the debate on the size, color, and type of paper each prefers and using the type of pen or pencil that each prefers.”

It’s a relief to know that the potential leader of our country still has the freedom to pick his own school supplies. Any 4th grader can you tell you the confidence instilled from choosing the right Trapper Keeper cannot be underestimated under any circumstances.

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