Let’s forget for a moment that NFL players, on average, make more than 1 million dollars a season. Just for a second, let’s forget these gridiron gladiators get to play a game that they love for a living. It’s a fact that it’s about a million times more likely that the punter from the Cincinatti Bengals will be featured on MTV’s Cribs before I ever will. Let’s just take that last thought and put it in a nice little box in the corner for now.

Having put all these nasty little ruminations aside, let us now consider how absurd it is that the New York Football Giants are being punished for working their players too hard in the off-season. Allegations of exceeding the maximum 4 hour off-season workday were the main thrust of the complaints from players. Keep in mind, the Giants flat-out stunk on turf last season and need all the work they can get in.

This caused me to think of how…well…any job I’ve ever had differs from the workaday life of an NFL player. I decided to compare and contrast:

Work Hours
NFL Player: 12 – 4 pm (Home in time to see Ellen)
Brian: 8-5 pm (Home in time to see Wheel of Fortune)
Advantage: NFL Player

Likelihood of Incurring a Debilitating Groin Injury During Work
NFL Player: High
Brian: Moderate to Low
Advantage: Brian

Endorsements
NFL Player: Major shoe and sports drink companies
Brian: Guy with harelip in next cubicle thinks I’m “nice”
Advantage: NFL Player

Fringe Benefits
NFL Player: Comps at the local premiere gentleman’s club
Brian: Free paper clips
Advantage: NFL Player

Retirement Plan
NFL Player: Commentator for Fox Sports Net
Brian: 401k
Advantage: Push

Co-Workers
NFL Player: 400 lb offensive lineman
Brian: Tina – Needy single mom
Advantage: Brian

Work Environment
NFL Player: Outdoor facility, seats 60 thousand
Brian: Desk drawer has secret compartment for Cheetos stash
Advantage: Push

Skipping Work
NFL Player: Newsday will probably notice and let everyone else know
Brian: “Telecommuting”
Advantage: Brian

Off-Season
NFL Player: Lasts, at the very least, from February to August (Longer if you are an Arizona Cardinal)
Brian: 3-Day Vacation trapped in Mini-Van en route to Sesame Place
Advantage: NFL Player

Health Plan
NFL Player: Medical staff on site
Brian: HMO roulette
Advantage: NFL Player

Boss
NFL Player: Egomaniacal prima donna
Brian: Egomaniacal prima donna
Advantage: Push

So there you have it, NFL Players edge out my work-life by a nose. So quit your bellyaching pigskin jockeys, and get back to work!

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