Undulate, originally uploaded by ranzino.

5. Way Too Tan Guy – You have to wonder if this guy is holding down a full-time job to register the amount of face-time with the sun needed to achieve a tan that would make George Hamilton remark, “That’s a bit much, don’t you think?”

4. Way Too Many Kids Guy – He and his wife both look like they won this vacation on a game-show and felt obligated to take it. The last smidgen of joy in their lives was completely drained right around the arrival of offspring numero 4. Avoid putting your beach blanket next to this guy as he’ll desperately try to make eye contact and subsequently strike up a conversation so he can share his misery with someone else. Also, after the third one, he just gave up trying to raise them right, so his kids are annoying.

3. Cell Phone Guy – This guy wants you to know that he’s really too busy to be out here with you and the rest of these losers and has no problem communicating that to his business associates at unnecessary volume levels. The good news is even though you had to hear all about why his contractor is doing a crappy job on his new 800 square feet deck, you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing his new Razr V3 will be totally inoperable in about two days due to sand infestation.

2. Innapropriate Bathing Suit Guy – The last time I checked this isn’t Europe, and we here in the colonies cling to our puritanical roots pretty fiercely, Paris Hilton notwithstanding. So please, fellas, if you have enough flab around your midsection that you can no longer see the waistband of your trunks even if you bend over to inspect it yourself, it’s time to pack the speedos away for good.

1. Way Too Active Dad – Listen, I think it’s great that you have enough energy to jump waves with your kids transition into playing a half hour long game of paddle ball followed by a vigorous round of beach football, but some of us would like to sit under our umbrella and do some crosswords. Stop setting the bar so damn high for the rest of us.

Share