1. Can shoot arcing bolts of blue lightning into insolent young Jedi.
2. Features extended AT&T 4G network coverage which now includes 3 additional counties in West Virginia and one-third of Nebraska!
3. Can connect to ANY application of your choice for synching and recharging.  No, just kidding! You’re still tied to that piece of crap bloatware iTunes.
4. 4 words: Steve Wozniak default wallpaper.
5. Convenient app that counts down the time till the release of the iPhone 4GS.
6. Cures most types of skin cancer.
7. Scientifically proven to be 27% shinier than the iPhone 3GS.
8. Will only access Apple’s new proprietary “Orchard” web search due to claims that Google inversely affects battery life.
9. New “Meta” application that allows you to take a picture, blog, and tweet about how you’re using your new iPhone while using your new iPhone.
10. Infuses owners with the steely charisma and stage presence of Apple CEO Steve Jobs.*

*Non-charisma infused iPhones can be had at a discounted price but will require a wifi connection to achieve a functional state of enhanced self-importance.

Here’s how fanboys of the Nintendo Wii will defend their beloved gaming console to those who are less than enamored with the lifestyle that often accompanies video gaming:

But it’s not like other systems!  It gets you up and moving around!  It’s an ACTIVE experience!

I’ve got a 5-inch-deep impression (covered in a fine layer of Cheeto dust) in the seat cushion of my La-Z-boy that tells me you can play Wii Sports just fine without ever achieving a state that could be determined to be active unless you put a piece of glass under someone’s nose to see if they’re still breathing.

What I don’t remember (for a variety of reasons) is exactly what that jam band played after they covered both “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” and “Two Princes.” It didn’t seem strange to me at the time, but don’t you think that a cover group should choose a band that has an extensive catalog of songs from which to cover?

Entertainers who can set aside their own personal fears to help the masses forget theirs.

Entertainers who can break down long-standing taboos thereby changing the direction of an entire industry.

Entertainers who can empathize with the double-edged sword of having opposable thumbs.

That’s right.  Much like when an ailing nation, still reeling from an energy crisis and mired in a recession, turned to an orangutan named Clyde and a chimp named Bear, it’s once again time to welcome simian-based humor into our lives.

Let the healing nature of monkeys on film begin.

So as to avoid awkward conversations if you were to meet Mr. McNabb in a social setting, I’ve prepared a partial listing of other common-knowledge items he just flat-out doesn’t know.

• How to set his TiVo to record that Punky Brewster marathon on TVLand.
• How many days has September, April, June and November (If only there were some sort of mnemonic device…).
• How to manage a clock efficiently in the 2 minute drill.
• The assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand ignited the Balkan powder keg thereby leading to WWI.
• The i before e rule.
• How many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.
• Pi.  Not even to 5 decimals.
• How much money his mom embezzled from him during those Chunky Soup endorsement deals.
• The cell number of Brian Dawkins do-rag supplier.  Weapon X is surprisingly non-forthcoming.
• Green M&M’s have no tangible effect on your passer rating.
• The ingredients in a B.L.T. sandwich.
• Where babies come from.
• What the big deal is about the Phillies right now.

These are the people that are tasked with handling my ballot correctly.   Sigh.

<Generic Public Service Announcement> Get out and vote! </Generic Public Service Announcement>

Here are the list of kids whose costumes mandate that I not give them candy tomorrow night:

• Small children in red skirt-suits dressed as Sarah Palin.  You know their parents put them up to it even though they begged to dress up as that girl from High School Musical.  If I withold your candy, perhaps you’ll turn on them before it’s too late.
• The 47th child dressed as Hannah Montana and/or her doppelganger “my voice sounds like a chain smoking Taylor Dayne, even though I’m only 15 years old” Miley Cyrus.  The first 46 are in like flint, but after that, butkus.
• Any children dressed in New York or Boston sports team paraphernalia.  Honestly, why should we even bother voting for change if people in Pennsylvania can’t even raise their own children in a proper fashion?
• Ghosts.  I know times are tough, but try a little harder then come on back next year sparky.
• Any child whose voice is deeper than mine and whose costume consists of a dark hoodie and a scary mask.  Maybe you could have saved up to buy your own candy instead of blowing it on Fallout 3?  I hear that McDonald’s is hiring, so why don’t you go ahead and get off my porch.

Philadelphia fans rejoice. Nearly three decades of pain has been eased this night.

Thank you Phightin’ Phils!