“On Poseidon’s Trident, I swear I will have your revenge my brothers!”
This weekend my wife and I went out on the town with some good friends. Being stalwart Pennsylvanians, we felt honor-bound by stately sporting obligations to find someplace after dinner to watch the Penn State/Ohio State football game.
We ended up finding a “sports bar” outside of the city. I use the term “sports bar” very loosely as most of the sparse patrons seemed more interested in perusing the surly barmaid’s new lower back tattoo than fixating on the various sporting events being displayed on the numerous big-screen tvs.
After settling in, we ordered some beverages, some alcoholic some not, which were all poured directly into clear flimsy plastic cups.
I mention all this because it occurred to me that I’m pretty sure the last time I paid cash for a cold beverage that was a) served in a plastic cup and b) not purchased at a state fair, I was most likely:
Reports of inappropriate adult-on-pretzel contact have risen 130% in Lancaster County in the past year. Experts attribute this meteoric rise to increased media coverage of Auntie Anne’s risque fashion line targeted towards teen girls prominently featuring the tagline “Salty” in suggestive areas of the clothing.
Inside a 5 Guys Product Development Meeting
Executive #1: Our CEO has tasked us with expanding our product line as to appeal to the “dangerous glutton” demo. What do we have for ideas?
Executive #2: Well… people really do love our burgers…
Executive #1: I’ve got it! Let’s just pile another pattie on top of our existing burger and charge people an obscene amount of money for what is ostensibly the most unhealthy amount of ground beef a human should eat in one sitting!
Executive #2: Brilliant! I’ll write it up, then let’s hit Saladworks!
(Ed. Note: Yeah, they’re pretty tasty. Damn it all to hell.)
The good news is when you deep fry them, they taste just like Burger King’s chicken fries.
Today I’m going to do something just for you. I’m going to do something that’s going to improve the quality of your life immediately.
If you live in Pennsylvania, get in your car, drive down to your local supermarket and buy yourself a “Weekender” bag of Middleswarth Bar-B-Q potato chips.
Do not be swayed by the marketing prowess of the Frito-Lay cartel’s buy one get one swap-o-ramas or any such nonsense. They’re just pretenders to the throne trying to distract you from the task at hand. You shall not be denied the sweet tangy goodness that is the world’s most perfectly fried tuber slice.
I would personally recommend a handful of Middleswarth as the perfect complement to a ham salad sandwich on honey wheat with lettuce.
So go ahead, spend three dollars and ninety-nine cents, and change your life for the better right now.
Easter [ee | ster ] – noun
Happy Easter everyone.