Category: Food & Bev (page 1 of 4)

The Burden of Being Aquaman

A Dish Best Served Cold

“On Poseidon’s Trident, I swear I will have your revenge my brothers!”

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Two Girls, Two Guys, 4 Plastic Cups

This weekend my wife and I went out on the town with some good friends. Being stalwart Pennsylvanians, we felt honor-bound by stately sporting obligations to find someplace after dinner to watch the Penn State/Ohio State football game.

We ended up finding a “sports bar” outside of the city. I use the term “sports bar” very loosely as most of the sparse patrons seemed more interested in perusing the surly barmaid’s new lower back tattoo than fixating on the various sporting events being displayed on the numerous big-screen tvs.

After settling in, we ordered some beverages, some alcoholic some not, which were all poured directly into clear flimsy plastic cups.

I mention all this because it occurred to me that I’m pretty sure the last time I paid cash for a cold beverage that was a) served in a plastic cup and b) not purchased at a state fair, I was most likely:

  • Wearing copious amounts of flannel.
  • Paying 5 dollars for the right to own said plastic cup thereby entitling me to a night’s worth of beverages (not including Jell-o shots and/or shooters.)
  • Exposed to voluminous amounts of cigarette smoke, co-eds, all the Pearl Jam I could handle, and ultimately, lowered expectations and social disappointment.
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Signs


Pretzel Sign, originally uploaded by ranzino.

Reports of inappropriate adult-on-pretzel contact have risen 130% in Lancaster County in the past year.  Experts attribute this meteoric rise to increased media coverage of Auntie Anne’s risque fashion line targeted towards teen girls prominently featuring the tagline “Salty” in suggestive areas of the clothing.

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Bashing Stereotypes


Bashing Stereotypes, originally uploaded by ranzino.

In Lancaster County, cops don’t eat donuts… they eat pretzels… made by the Amish… who are under around the clock protection from Harrison Ford until the real killers are caught.

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Triple-Bypass Burger


Triple-Bypass Burger, originally uploaded by ranzino.

Inside a 5 Guys Product Development Meeting

Executive #1: Our CEO has tasked us with expanding our product line as to appeal to the “dangerous glutton” demo. What do we have for ideas?

Executive #2: Well… people really do love our burgers…

Executive #1: I’ve got it! Let’s just pile another pattie on top of our existing burger and charge people an obscene amount of money for what is ostensibly the most unhealthy amount of ground beef a human should eat in one sitting!

Executive #2: Brilliant! I’ll write it up, then let’s hit Saladworks!

(Ed. Note: Yeah, they’re pretty tasty. Damn it all to hell.)

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In Desparate Need of a Line Break


Advertising Genius, originally uploaded by ranzino.

The good news is when you deep fry them, they taste just like Burger King’s chicken fries.

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Secrets


Raw Sugar, originally uploaded by ranzino.

When given the chance as  a kid, I used to eat raw sugar right out of those signature brown packets.

Diabetes, I hardly knew ye.

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“Pork Chops and Applesauce”


“Pork Chops and Applesauce”, originally uploaded by ranzino.

I’ve got to admit… I dig on swine baby.

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Potato Nirvana

Middleswarth Bar-B-Q Potato Chips

Today I’m going to do something just for you. I’m going to do something that’s going to improve the quality of your life immediately.

If you live in Pennsylvania, get in your car, drive down to your local supermarket and buy yourself a “Weekender” bag of Middleswarth Bar-B-Q potato chips.

Do not be swayed by the marketing prowess of the Frito-Lay cartel’s buy one get one swap-o-ramas or any such nonsense. They’re just pretenders to the throne trying to distract you from the task at hand. You shall not be denied the sweet tangy goodness that is the world’s most perfectly fried tuber slice.

I would personally recommend a handful of Middleswarth as the perfect complement to a ham salad sandwich on honey wheat with lettuce.

So go ahead, spend three dollars and ninety-nine cents, and change your life for the better right now.

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What?!


What?!, originally uploaded by ranzino.

Easter [ee | ster ] – noun

  1. Christian celebration of the Resurrection of Christ; celebrated on the Sunday following the first full moon after the vernal equinox.
  2. To the day, the date candy companies have collectively calculated to be the precise moment of the final portioning out of the last bit of valentine’s day sweets to your children.

Happy Easter everyone.

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