Least effective piece of clickbait I’ve ever seen.
— Mental Floss (@mental_floss) May 19, 2016
Reports of inappropriate adult-on-pretzel contact have risen 130% in Lancaster County in the past year. Experts attribute this meteoric rise to increased media coverage of Auntie Anne’s risque fashion line targeted towards teen girls prominently featuring the tagline “Salty” in suggestive areas of the clothing.
Because I’m a man, from time to time, I like to compete. I don’t know for sure what it is about us that we have to prove we’re better at something (anything) than someone (anyone) else. It probably has something to do with our fathers, insecurity, establishing dominance and throw in a little something Freudian for good measure. Regardless, if you give us a smidgen of talent at something, we’re going to turn that interest into a competition somehow so we can feel better about ourselves knowing that once, just this once, we were the better man.
As an example of this twisted compulsion, take the above photo. What would lead an otherwise sane individual to spend a better part of an hour arranging and re-arranging peppercorns liberated from their rightful home in my pepper grinder in an attempt establish the best natural lighting scenario? An act of desperation born of competition if I’ve ever seen one.
After resounding trouncings in my two previous attempts at entry into the MatchPoint Tournament on Flickr, I was determined to take my rightful place as a winner in the macro theme this go around. Hence the careful prodding, poking and placing of black, red and green peppercorns that caused my 4-year-old to wonder aloud if I was, “counting how many,” I had. As frugal as I can be, I resisted the temptation to take him up on his suggestion.
In the end, all my efforts were for nothing. When I initially read the rules for the “Larger Than Life” round, the organizers had included a caveat of no plants or bugs. “Great,” I thought, “I’m totally in the clear. Pepper is a spice!” As any Star Wars aficionado knows, spices are manually extracted by means of slave labor from exotic spice mines. Surely they couldn’t be a plant?
Sometimes ignorance is not bliss. Sometimes it just forces you to post a picture of the tiny carbonated bubbles in a glass of Coke instead.
Ranzino.com (the blog incarnation) officially turned one year old this February. This web site has many of the same fine qualities of its human infant contemporaries; a loose, and some would describe endearing, grasp on the English language, increasing playfulness, and unexpected and violent fluid releases.
I decided to mark this staggering achievement in internet punditry with a unique post whose witty content would only be surpassed by its insight and wisdom. Soon after this decision, I realized my Netflix queue wasn’t going to watch itself, and that this grandiose post probably wasn’t going to happen. So I decided upon a course of action any seasoned media producer would embark upon when presented with the same situation and a lack of originality. I’m offering up re-heated leftovers in a shiny new package and calling it a greatest hits compilation. Hey if you didn’t read it before, it’s “new to you.”
So without further ado, I present to you….
Ranzino.com’s 10 Favorite Posts of this Past Year
(As voted by subscribers of Reader’s Digest and the cast of VH1’s Surreal Life 4)
Honorable Mention Posts (Because the 15 Favorite Posts of this Past Year just sounds dumb)
…now on to the countdown:
10. The Cupholder Killer – One of the first posts I marginally liked, and plus it has a nifty picture.
9. 4 Hour Work Day – My life vs. the life of an NFL football player.
8. Summer Movie Preview 2004! – Almost completely inaccurate to the best of my ability.
5. Find an Alien and We’ll Throw in Some Hush Puppies – My favorite one-line throwaway joke of the year.
4. I Knew You’d Want a Hot Apple Pie With That – Because any time you can mention Professional Wrestler Ric Flair, you know it’s a good post.
3. A Conversational Email Filter for Microsoft Outlook – Your guide to my Inbox.
2. Backhanded Condiments – Partisan politics rock the world of ketchup-lovers everywhere.
1. Drive Thru Window to My Soul – A chronicle of my forbidden love with a fast food chain.
So there you have it boys and girls. Stay tuned next year as we talk about the ups and downs of fatherhood, the phase behavior of hydrocarbon polymer blends, and Steve Urkel.