Category: Technology (page 1 of 2)

10 Rumored Features of the New iPhone 4G

It's MAGICAL!In light of Gizmodo’s recent acquisition of a top-secret pre-production version of the iPhone 4G, speculation has begun on exactly what new features this life-altering device may offer.   Luckily, has been able to confirm just a few of the many mind-blowing enhancements Apple has in store for us.

  1. Can shoot arcing bolts of blue lightning into insolent young Jedi.
  2. Features extended AT&T 4G network coverage which now includes 3 additional counties in West Virginia and one-third of Nebraska!
  3. Can connect to ANY application of your choice for synching and recharging.  No, just kidding! You’re still tied to that piece of crap bloatware iTunes.
  4. 4 words: Steve Wozniak default wallpaper.
  5. Convenient app that counts down the time till the release of the iPhone 4GS.
  6. Cures most types of skin cancer.
  7. Scientifically proven to be 27% shinier than the iPhone 3GS.
  8. Will only access Apple’s new proprietary “Orchard” web search due to claims that Google inversely affects battery life.
  9. New “Meta” application that allows you to take a picture, blog, and tweet about how you’re using your new iPhone while using your new iPhone.
  10. Infuses owners with the steely charisma and stage presence of Apple CEO Steve Jobs.*

*Non-charisma infused iPhones can be had at a discounted price but will require a wifi connection to achieve a functional state of enhanced self-importance.


The Myth of Wii

The Non-Political Plumber, originally uploaded by ranzino.

Here’s how fanboys of the Nintendo Wii will defend their beloved gaming console to those who are less than enamored with the lifestyle that often accompanies video gaming:

But it’s not like other systems!  It gets you up and moving around!  It’s an ACTIVE experience!

I’ve got a 5-inch-deep impression (covered in a fine layer of Cheeto dust) in the seat cushion of my La-Z-boy that tells me you can play Wii Sports just fine without ever achieving a state that could be determined to be active unless you put a piece of glass under someone’s nose to see if they’re still breathing.


Top 5 Signs You May Not Be My Newest Flickr Contact

  1. The first 4 pages of your photostream consist entirely of pictures of your wiener dog dressed in outfits you have personally crocheted.
  2. You’re hosting an historical archive of starlet nipple slip screenshots from the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.
  3. LOLCATS. Nothing but wall-to-wall LOLCATS.
  4. No, I’m not interested in trading, as you put it, “tasteful” pictures of our wives.
  5. You just found out photoshop has FILTERS!

Backup, Backup, Backup

Here’s the skinny. About a month ago, the mySQL database containing all of the blog posts decided a pertinent database table wasn’t really all that necessary anymore.

Oh, just in case you’re wondering, the mySQL database speaks in a thick cockney accent.

Me: Yeah, hi there. I don’t mean to bother you or anything, but I was wondering where all of my post data went?

mySQL DB: What’s that then? I ‘ave no clue as to what you’re talking about. All the data’s right there, in’it?

Me: Yeah…. you see that’s the thing, there’s zero bytes of data in that table right now, and I was just wondering… where the hell is it?

mySQL DB: Listen chap, I can’t be responsible for ALL of your information ALL of the time now can I? If you’re so attached to your bloody posts, than just re-install ’em from your last backup.

Me: (Awkward silence, followed by prolonged shoe-gazing)

mySQL DB: Don’t tell me… You haven’t… Oh Sod off, I’m glad I botched your posts you wanker.

Okay, okay, so I hadn’t backed up my data in 6 months. It’s not like the posts in the last 6 months were that good anyway. I remember something about grilled cheese sandwiches and possibly another post about sweat, but other than that it was all rubbish.

So the morale of the story is as always: make sure to back up your data the day prior to an unexpected catastrophic database meltdown and everything will be just fine.

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Dumbest… Technology… Ever.

A 16-year-old boy broke the Guinness World Record for speed text messaging this past Sunday.

Ang Chuang Yang of Singapore was definitely “in the zone” when he typed an 160 character message in only 41.52 seconds. The standard phrase used as the sample text in all text-messaging contests apparently is:

The razor-toothed piranhas of the genera Serrasalmus and Pygocentrus are the most ferocious freshwater fish in the world. In reality they seldom attack a human.

In related news, it still only takes 8 seconds to SPEAK that very same sentence.


Even Better Than Baywatch Knights

The Internet. A breakthrough in technology that allows educators, businesses, and everyday people of the world equal access to communicate and collaborate in ways never even dreamed possible!

Or, if you prefer, a vessel for providing you the opportunity to wax David Hasselhoff’s chest hair.


It’s “Wine Spectator” You Idiot

I spelled the word connoisseur so badly on a first draft of an email today that the following exchange occurred between myself and my computer’s spell checker.

Spell Checker: “Hmmm….conasuire…Yeah, I got nothing.

Me: “Are you sure? It means to be a localized expert or an appreciator in a particular field. Nothing?”

Spell Checker: “Are you sure that’s a word, because I’m pretty sure that’s just moron-speak.”

Me: “No, no, I’m pretty sure it’s a word. You know, like Wine Conasuire Magazine.”

Spell Checker: “Stop it, just stop it. You’re embarrassing yourself.. really. It hurts me to even look at that so-called word. If I had fingers I would have made those sarcastic quotation-marks-in-the-air signals when I just said ‘so-called word’ during my last sentence.”

Me: “Well there’s no reason to be rude about it.”

Spell Checker: “Let me ask you something. Do you have fat stubby fingers? What I mean is… is that the reason your spelling sucks so bad? I can order you a specialized typing wand online if you want.”

Me: “No, my fingers are just fine thank you. I think I just try to type too fast.”

Spell Checker: “Sure, whatever helps you sleep at night Mavis Bacon. Why don’t you try googling the word or something? I hear that’s popular with the kids these days.”


Great Name for a Resume

Best Fake Spam “From Field” Alias of the Day

Jockstrap M. Paralegal


A Conversational Email Filter for Microsoft Outlook

Hey Microsoft Outlook, what’s going on… how are the kids? What is little Outlook Express up to these days?

Listen, you don’t like me and I don’t like you, but since we’re stuck with one another here at work, I thought it best we talk this out so we can work through our issues in the most civilized way possible. So let’s dispense with all the formalities of setting up those fancy rules and filters you seem to like so much. Why don’t we just “talk” about what kind of emails I don’t want to see in my Inbox on a regular basis. Sound good?

Okay for starters, this year I started receiving a bunch of emails written in what appears to be Russian. I spent my entire childhood being indoctrinated into believing Rooskies are evil people who would rather stand in line for 6 hours to buy a roll of toilet paper than shake hands with a capitalist like me. The destruction of the Berlin wall and Yakov Smirnoff‘s career aside, I’m still a little leery, so no emails from Moscow okay?

I am thirty years old. Let’s just say all of my necessary equipment is working just fine. So anything that mentions Cialis, Levitra, or Viagra can go right into the old recycle bin if you don’t mind. If I start to have problems, I promise, you’ll be the first to know.

As enticing as 2.5 million dollars transferred into the bank account of my choice sounds, my dealings in the past with exiled Assistant Foreign Banking liaisons of West-African nations have left me a little non plussed. So if you get an email from a country whose major political parties can best be described literally as “warring tribal factions,” I’m probably going to pass on those particular business deals.

I’m sure the college-aged girls who would like me to:

  • View their webcam…
  • Find sexy single like themselves in my area…
  • Do things to (with) them I really can’t describe here…

…are very nice, decent, upstanding, young women but I’m married, so I’m just not interested.

I have a mortgage already, and no I don’t want to re-finance. No amount of blinking text and smiling, ethnically diverse, stock photography will change my mind. Enough said.

I’m sure the online University of Weehawken is a fine accredited institution of higher learning with many successful alumni, but I’ll forge on with the education I already have. On that same note, I like where I work. I do not need to earn any extra “$$$” by working at home, as some emails eloquently suggest that I do. If I ever need any extra “$$$,” I’ll look around for some canvas bags with those dollar signs printed on the side. They seem to be quite prevalent in cartoons and feature films, so I should be able to find them rather quickly.

Last but not least, please delete all incoming messages that contain the phrase “just forward this to X number of friends.” I don’t care what comes after that phrase, whether it be “and receive your free popcorn chicken platter at Applebees,” or “and a coupon for a $50 shopping spree at the GAP will appear on your screen.” As much as I could use some new relaxed fit flat front khakis with patented stain protection, past experience and common sense tells me it just isn’t happening.

So Outlook, those are just a few of the types of messages I don’t want. I know you’re still hurting because I switched to Thunderbird at my home office but you’re going to have to get past that and make the best of the situation we have going on here.

I’m glad we had this talk.

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