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After a particularly uninspired gridiron matchup between the Cincinnati Bengals and the Philadelphia Eagles ended in 13-13 tie, Donovan McNabb, the 10-year veteran quarterback of the Eagles, revealed he didn’t know an NFL game could end in a stalemate.

So as to avoid awkward conversations if you were to meet Mr. McNabb in a social setting, I’ve prepared a partial listing of other common-knowledge items he just flat-out doesn’t know.

• How to set his TiVo to record that Punky Brewster marathon on TVLand.
• How many days has September, April, June and November (If only there were some sort of mnemonic device…).
• How to manage a clock efficiently in the 2 minute drill.
• The assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand ignited the Balkan powder keg thereby leading to WWI.
• The i before e rule.
• How many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.
• Pi.  Not even to 5 decimals.
• How much money his mom embezzled from him during those Chunky Soup endorsement deals.
• The cell number of Brian Dawkins do-rag supplier.  Weapon X is surprisingly non-forthcoming.
• Green M&M’s have no tangible effect on your passer rating.
• The ingredients in a B.L.T. sandwich.
• Where babies come from.
• What the big deal is about the Phillies right now.

Philadelphia fans rejoice. Nearly three decades of pain has been eased this night.

Thank you Phightin’ Phils!

Da Phillies!, originally uploaded by ranzino.

Your hometown Philadelphia Phillies, the 2007 NL East Champions!

As a parent, the occasion of the Phillies taking advantage of the New York Mets’ historic collapse to emerge victorious in their regular season division race is a great opportunity. I can demonstrate to my sons that sportsmanship and compassion towards your competitor still has a place in this increasingly uncivilized world.

Suck on it Mets fans! We’re number 1!

The silver lining here, at this point, is they’re only two games behind the division leaders.

Opening Day in Major League Baseball isn’t even over yet and those Phightin’ Phillies are already in last place in the National League East.

On the plus side, it was 75 degrees and sunny today for those who attended the first home game of the season at Citizen’s Bank Park in the city of brotherly love.

Now there’s a franchise Philadelphians can really get behind, team global warming.

If you’re feeling down in the dumps and your confidence is hitting a low ebb, just relish this nugget.  You too can have your own stalker.

Hey, if former Mr. Belvedere thespian Bob Uecker can have one, why not you?  Why not you?

Nothing boosts saggy self-esteem quicker than visits to your doorstop at 2 am, unwanted gifts,  and the receipt of highly innapropriate personal photos.

After finally admitting he bet on baseball in his 2004 biography, Pete Rose has now further clarified that he also bet on the Cincinnati Reds while he was the team’s manager. He assures us, he only bet on the Big Red Machine to win, never to lose.

Does anyone even care anymore? Why are we still giving this guy a public forum? It’s obvious he just needs publicity to hawk his various wares at this point.

To save you all the chicanery of future Pete Rose news, I’ve obtained the Major League Baseball all-time hit leader’s marketing plan for his upcoming conveniently-timed revelations.

• He and Tommy Lasorda had a secret love affair that spanned over two decades.
• Joe Morgan… really not all that nice.
• He once killed a stripper in Montreal during a 4 game road trip against the Expos.
• Pete Rose, Jr. was really really talented, but “the man” kept him down.
• He and O.J. are forming a Steely Dan cover band called ‘We Did It,’ and will be touring the country this summer.
• His awful haircuts through the decades have been medically necessary to cosmetically cover up a tiny conjoined twin on his skull named ‘Good Petey’ who, on a technicality, is still eligible for election to the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Today is Opening Day 2006 for Major League Baseball. Opening Day is nirvana for hardball afficianados across the nation, or as we Philadelphia Phillies fans like to call it:

“The day we’re technically furthest away from being mathematically eliminated from the playoffs!”

Hooray!

Let’s Go Fightin’ Phils!

The Winter Olympics are here and apparently, Americans would rather watch Paula Abdul attempt to cry for Dr. Phil through her Botox-sealed tear ducts. I can’t say that I blame them. I’ve always had a term for individuals who feel ‘the need for speed’ on ice and snow: The Mentally Disabled. Plus, who doesn’t like a healthy dose of tough Texan psychiatry?

Seeing as there is a large portion of the populace who snap up weekend ski passes and routinely engender knee surgery by snowboarding, I concede that I may be not be in the loop in regards to my distaste for winter sports.So what’s the problem? If we participate in the sports, why don’t we care about the 20th Winter Olympiad?

This Olympic malaise is probably rooted in the fact that most of us experience winter much differently than Olympians do. This is why I’m proposing a whole new set of events solely based on activities normal citizens regularly endure during the chillier months of the year. These are sports the every-man can get into.

• 25 Yard Driveway Shovel

  Watch as 6 slightly overweight middle-aged men take to their shovel of choice and clear a path wide enough for a Toyota 4Runner, a recycling container, and a 45 gallon garbage can. Extra points are added for each minor coronary event after which the shoveler stubbornly decides to finish.

• Snow Delay Drive-athon

  Each participant must drive a recently purchased car scratch-free through a phalanx of high school students in Buick LeSabres with bald tires, each of whom is racing to get to class on time after a two-hour snow delay.

• The Snowsuit Shuffle

  Olympians in each heat race to dress a 3-year-old in a pair of long underwear, a shirt, corduroy pants, socks, snow pants, a winter jacket, mittens, astronaut boots, and a hat. They must then drag them to a minivan and try to stuff and buckle them into a, now seemingly smaller, car seat. Wild cards present themselves when toddlers may choose to go to the bathroom at any point during the heat, in which case participants must reverse the process then start again.

• Supermarket Struggle

  Any time during the Olympiad when the forecast calls for over 4 inches of snow, all athletes must immediately rush to a local supermarket and buy as many batteries, milk, and bread as they can carry out of the store on their person. Medals will be awarded in number of items purchased, parking lot etiquette, and checkout clerk abuse.

Just a few notes concerning the pinnacle sporting event on the American landscape.

1. Aaron Neville sings the national anthem and is large enough himself to amazingly resist Aretha Franklin’s natural gravitational pull.
2. I don’t know about you, but for me, nothing kicks off 3 hours of testosterone-fueled gridiron action better than washed-up action star Harrison Ford reading Dr. Seuss’s “Oh the Places You Will Go!” Instead of chest bumping and giving high-fives to my beer buddies, I felt like I should go upstairs and wake my son so I could give him a hug. While normally that’s a good feeling, it’s not an ideal way to get fired up for the Super Bowl.
3. Even my wife knows the extent of the amount of irrational gambling that occurs around the Super Bowl. In reference to the coin toss, she remarked “People are about to lose a lot money on this aren’t they?” Yes honey, yes they are. God bless America.
4. During said coin toss, Pittsburgh Linebacker Joey Porter looks like he’s going to cross the NFL logo and rip out Seattle QB Matt Hasselback’s jugular. Meanwhile Hasselback has the look of a guy who is waiting for the chicks to arrive at the Friday night kegger at Sigma Pi. Edge, Steelers.
5. In the battle for the Craig Sager Award for Most Distracting Outift by a Sideline Reporter, Suzy Kolber’s Willy Wonka purple pants suit (Gene Wilder version) handily defeats Michelle Tafoya’s crushed brown jacket with Felicity Shagwell disco necklace.
6. Blockbuster Video is first out of the commericals gate. They’re going on the offensive with online rentals in an attempt to catch up to Netflix. I was in a Blockbuster recently and it felt like I was walking into an 8-Track museum.
7. Note to Lynn Swann. Now that you’re running for public office, avoid making any gestures even vaguely reminiscent of Richard Nixon.
8. The Whopperettes were a huge waste of Burger King’s advertising resources. You would have been better off rolling out Hootie again. The end of the spot was mildly redeeming. Having attractive girls dressed up like all-beef meat patties flopping on to one another is a touch of genius.
9. Bill Cowher absolutely rocks the mock turtleneck.
10. Just out of curiosity, do you know anyone that drinks Bud Light? Honestly? I realize there must be a large portion of the population that drinks Budweiser beer, but do you personally know any single one of them?
11. It occurs to me that the more hair Ben Roethlisberger grows, the more he starts to resemble Jim from NBC’s The Office.
12. John Madden just mentioned the Steelers defense was going to a dime package. Excellent insight was in not for the fact that the Steelers were currently playing offense.
13. Jay Mohr is playing an agent in the Diet Pepsi commercial. That would have been relevant had this been Super Bowl XXXI, the year Jerry Maguire actually came out. Seriously, do ad agencies get paid for this kind of work?
14. Why is it that professional sports are the only occupations that use personal names as adjectives, as in “That Chris Gardocki punt netted 47 yards,” or “Hines Ward just scored on a Ben Roethlisberger pass,”? I want to start using this type of recognition in my workplace. “We were deep in the hole in third fiscal quarter, but that Brian Evans spreadsheet improved productivity by 67 percent.”
15. In the Cadillac Escalade commercial, there was small clarifying text stating the the vehicle shown was the 2007 model. The 2007 model? It’s February 2006 for crissakes!
16. I have a hard time believing Tony Hawk, Sugar Ray Leonard, or Shaquille O’Neal really watch Desperate Housewives.
17. It’s just physically satisfying to say Chris Gardocki isn’t it? Let’s say it together shall we. Chris Gardocki, Chris Gardocki, Chris Gardocki. See it just rolls off your tounge.
18. I love that Kelsey Grammer does the voice-overs for Disneyland’s 50th anniversary commercials. Only in America can you marry strippers, abuse drug and alcohol and still be welcome to work for the happiest place on earth just because you have a silky smooth speaking voice.
19. Not only does Mike Holmgren physically resemble Eagles head coach Andy Reid, use his patented hide-your-mouth-behind-your-playcall-sheet technique, he also apparently went to Andy’s off-season seminar: Super Bowl Time Management and You.
20. I’m supposed to believe that the people jumping up and down in the mosh pit in the “tongue” portion of the Rolling Stones logo/stage are authentic rock music fans? They all look like 14 year-old kids bused in from the local Promise Keepers convention who were told they were at a Michael W. Smith concert. And to be perfectly honest, there hasn’t been that much movement in the stands at a Stones concert since they sold bran-flavored nachos at Wembley Stadium in ‘94.