After a particularly uninspired gridiron matchup between the Cincinnati Bengals and the Philadelphia Eagles ended in 13-13 tie, Donovan McNabb, the 10-year veteran quarterback of the Eagles, revealed he didn’t know an NFL game could end in a stalemate.
So as to avoid awkward conversations if you were to meet Mr. McNabb in a social setting, I’ve prepared a partial listing of other common-knowledge items he just flat-out doesn’t know.
Here are the list of kids whose costumes mandate that I not give them candy tomorrow night:
Small children in red skirt-suits dressed as Sarah Palin. You know their parents put them up to it even though they begged to dress up as that girl from High School Musical. If I withold your candy, perhaps you’ll turn on them before it’s too late.
The 47th child dressed as Hannah Montana and/or her doppelganger “my voice sounds like a chain smoking Taylor Dayne, even though I’m only 15 years old” Miley Cyrus. The first 46 are in like flint, but after that, butkus.
Any children dressed in New York or Boston sports team paraphernalia. Honestly, why should we even bother voting for change if people in Pennsylvania can’t even raise their own children in a proper fashion?
Ghosts. I know times are tough, but try a little harder then come on back next year sparky.
Any child whose voice is deeper than mine and whose costume consists of a dark hoodie and a scary mask. Maybe you could have saved up to buy your own candy instead of blowing it on Fallout 3? I hear that McDonald’s is hiring, so why don’t you go ahead and get off my porch.
This weekend my wife and I went out on the town with some good friends. Being stalwart Pennsylvanians, we felt honor-bound by stately sporting obligations to find someplace after dinner to watch the Penn State/Ohio State football game.
We ended up finding a “sports bar” outside of the city. I use the term “sports bar” very loosely as most of the sparse patrons seemed more interested in perusing the surly barmaid’s new lower back tattoo than fixating on the various sporting events being displayed on the numerous big-screen tvs.
After settling in, we ordered some beverages, some alcoholic some not, which were all poured directly into clear flimsy plastic cups.
I mention all this because it occurred to me that I’m pretty sure the last time I paid cash for a cold beverage that was a) served in a plastic cup and b) not purchased at a state fair, I was most likely:
Wearing copious amounts of flannel.
Paying 5 dollars for the right to own said plastic cup thereby entitling me to a night’s worth of beverages (not including Jell-o shots and/or shooters.)
Exposed to voluminous amounts of cigarette smoke, co-eds, all the Pearl Jam I could handle, and ultimately, lowered expectations and social disappointment.
In these uncertain times of financial and political turmoil, it may be time for Americans to finally heed the call of sacrifice and once again give back to this nation that has given us so much. Much like our grandparents did during the days of the last great rift in economic and international relations, it’s time for ordinary citizens to rise up and do extraordinary things to ensure our most basic freedoms for future generations.
Or you could just say to heck with it and spend the next 2 minutes and 42 seconds watching a man play Europe’s “The Final Countdown” on a homemade ukelele/piano/kazoo.