Ranzino.com

When we face the darkest of economic times, it takes a special breed of entertainer to lift our spirits as a nation.

Entertainers who can set aside their own personal fears to help the masses forget theirs.

Entertainers who can break down long-standing taboos thereby changing the direction of an entire industry.

Entertainers who can empathize with the double-edged sword of having opposable thumbs.

That’s right.  Much like when an ailing nation, still reeling from an energy crisis and mired in a recession, turned to an orangutan named Clyde and a chimp named Bear, it’s once again time to welcome simian-based humor into our lives.

Let the healing nature of monkeys on film begin.

It’s a good sign that you probably need to do the laundry when your daycare provider remarks that the sweatpant ensemble you hastily put together for your 2-year-old that morning favors comparably to the fashion stylings of a rejected backup dancer from Justin Timberlake’s FutureSex/LoveSounds tour.

After a particularly uninspired gridiron matchup between the Cincinnati Bengals and the Philadelphia Eagles ended in 13-13 tie, Donovan McNabb, the 10-year veteran quarterback of the Eagles, revealed he didn’t know an NFL game could end in a stalemate.

So as to avoid awkward conversations if you were to meet Mr. McNabb in a social setting, I’ve prepared a partial listing of other common-knowledge items he just flat-out doesn’t know.

• How to set his TiVo to record that Punky Brewster marathon on TVLand.
• How many days has September, April, June and November (If only there were some sort of mnemonic device…).
• How to manage a clock efficiently in the 2 minute drill.
• The assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand ignited the Balkan powder keg thereby leading to WWI.
• The i before e rule.
• How many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.
• Pi.  Not even to 5 decimals.
• How much money his mom embezzled from him during those Chunky Soup endorsement deals.
• The cell number of Brian Dawkins do-rag supplier.  Weapon X is surprisingly non-forthcoming.
• Green M&M’s have no tangible effect on your passer rating.
• The ingredients in a B.L.T. sandwich.
• Where babies come from.
• What the big deal is about the Phillies right now.

These are the people that are tasked with handling my ballot correctly.   Sigh.

<Generic Public Service Announcement> Get out and vote! </Generic Public Service Announcement>

Here are the list of kids whose costumes mandate that I not give them candy tomorrow night:

• Small children in red skirt-suits dressed as Sarah Palin.  You know their parents put them up to it even though they begged to dress up as that girl from High School Musical.  If I withold your candy, perhaps you’ll turn on them before it’s too late.
• The 47th child dressed as Hannah Montana and/or her doppelganger “my voice sounds like a chain smoking Taylor Dayne, even though I’m only 15 years old” Miley Cyrus.  The first 46 are in like flint, but after that, butkus.
• Any children dressed in New York or Boston sports team paraphernalia.  Honestly, why should we even bother voting for change if people in Pennsylvania can’t even raise their own children in a proper fashion?
• Ghosts.  I know times are tough, but try a little harder then come on back next year sparky.
• Any child whose voice is deeper than mine and whose costume consists of a dark hoodie and a scary mask.  Maybe you could have saved up to buy your own candy instead of blowing it on Fallout 3?  I hear that McDonald’s is hiring, so why don’t you go ahead and get off my porch.

Philadelphia fans rejoice. Nearly three decades of pain has been eased this night.

Thank you Phightin’ Phils!

This weekend my wife and I went out on the town with some good friends. Being stalwart Pennsylvanians, we felt honor-bound by stately sporting obligations to find someplace after dinner to watch the Penn State/Ohio State football game.

We ended up finding a “sports bar” outside of the city. I use the term “sports bar” very loosely as most of the sparse patrons seemed more interested in perusing the surly barmaid’s new lower back tattoo than fixating on the various sporting events being displayed on the numerous big-screen tvs.

After settling in, we ordered some beverages, some alcoholic some not, which were all poured directly into clear flimsy plastic cups.

I mention all this because it occurred to me that I’m pretty sure the last time I paid cash for a cold beverage that was a) served in a plastic cup and b) not purchased at a state fair, I was most likely:

• Wearing copious amounts of flannel.
• Paying 5 dollars for the right to own said plastic cup thereby entitling me to a night’s worth of beverages (not including Jell-o shots and/or shooters.)
• Exposed to voluminous amounts of cigarette smoke, co-eds, all the Pearl Jam I could handle, and ultimately, lowered expectations and social disappointment.

It’s Halloween season here on Ranzino.com and we’ll be celebrating this manufactured non-holiday by posting some extra-spooky content here every day this week.

Yes that’s right, you heard it here first. Daily content. Prepare for the reckoning.

What better way to kick things off than having some random French guy sing in a capella 64 different parts (including sound effects) of Michael Jackson’s pop-culture classic Thriller.

Sculptures To Be, originally uploaded by ranzino.

So what’s the over-under on the life expectancy of any balloon animal made for children ages 5 and under? 10 minutes? 8?