“On Poseidon’s Trident, I swear I will have your revenge my brothers!”
They’re one of the few true joys of parenthood. Lest you think it’s insensitive to laugh at the nascent vocabulary of our young charges, may I remind you that as parents you’re grasping for something, literally anything, to help us get through the day without a mandated visit from Child Protective Services. You need a little chuckle now and again to distract you from the fact that the top floor of your house smells like the men’s rest room at Citizen’s Bank Park, and most likely will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.
Like most of the children born between 1995-present, my boys enjoy the cinematic stylings of Pixar Animation Studios. The first movie my oldest son saw in an actual theater was the weakest link in Pixar’s canon, Cars. If you’re not privy to the plots of recent animated fare, Cars is Pixar’s creepy talking vehicle opus to finding work/life balance. Of course, this celluloid exposure lead to countless viewings, a merchandise acquisition spree, and the unfortunate welding of Rascal Flatts’ re-imagining of Tom Cochrane’s “Life is a Highway” to one of my six available remaining neural pathways.
Cars stayed with my family for so long, that my second son began to show an interest in the movie and toys as well. He took a particular shine to the protagonist of the Cars universe, Lightning McQueen.
Only he didn’t call him that.
He insisted his correct name was Lightning the Queen.
I like to imagine a fully formed world inhabited by talking cars where Lightning the Queen leaves Radiator Springs and the warm embrace of Sally and moves to South Beach. Soon, he’s setting up house with a little Fiat voiced by Nathan Lane. Three’s Company style mis-understandings and hi-jinks ensue.
Now that’s a Cars sequel I would pay cash-money to see.
In light of Gizmodo’s recent acquisition of a top-secret pre-production version of the iPhone 4G, speculation has begun on exactly what new features this life-altering device may offer. Luckily, Ranzino.com has been able to confirm just a few of the many mind-blowing enhancements Apple has in store for us.
*Non-charisma infused iPhones can be had at a discounted price but will require a wifi connection to achieve a functional state of enhanced self-importance.
Here’s how fanboys of the Nintendo Wii will defend their beloved gaming console to those who are less than enamored with the lifestyle that often accompanies video gaming:
But it’s not like other systems! It gets you up and moving around! It’s an ACTIVE experience!
I’ve got a 5-inch-deep impression (covered in a fine layer of Cheeto dust) in the seat cushion of my La-Z-boy that tells me you can play Wii Sports just fine without ever achieving a state that could be determined to be active unless you put a piece of glass under someone’s nose to see if they’re still breathing.
When I was a freshman in college I specifically remembering going to see a Spin Doctors cover group perform at a local house party.
What I don’t remember (for a variety of reasons) is exactly what that jam band played after they covered both “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” and “Two Princes.” It didn’t seem strange to me at the time, but don’t you think that a cover group should choose a band that has an extensive catalog of songs from which to cover?
You know your 5- year- old is probably watching too much Star Wars when your 2-year-old is humming John Williams’ Imperial March at the dinner table.
When we face the darkest of economic times, it takes a special breed of entertainer to lift our spirits as a nation.
Entertainers who can set aside their own personal fears to help the masses forget theirs.
Entertainers who can break down long-standing taboos thereby changing the direction of an entire industry.
Entertainers who can empathize with the double-edged sword of having opposable thumbs.
That’s right. Much like when an ailing nation, still reeling from an energy crisis and mired in a recession, turned to an orangutan named Clyde and a chimp named Bear, it’s once again time to welcome simian-based humor into our lives.
Let the healing nature of monkeys on film begin.
It’s a good sign that you probably need to do the laundry when your daycare provider remarks that the sweatpant ensemble you hastily put together for your 2-year-old that morning favors comparably to the fashion stylings of a rejected backup dancer from Justin Timberlake’s FutureSex/LoveSounds tour.
After a particularly uninspired gridiron matchup between the Cincinnati Bengals and the Philadelphia Eagles ended in 13-13 tie, Donovan McNabb, the 10-year veteran quarterback of the Eagles, revealed he didn’t know an NFL game could end in a stalemate.
So as to avoid awkward conversations if you were to meet Mr. McNabb in a social setting, I’ve prepared a partial listing of other common-knowledge items he just flat-out doesn’t know.