The Burden of Being Aquaman

A Dish Best Served Cold

“On Poseidon’s Trident, I swear I will have your revenge my brothers!”

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Anthropomorphic Identity Crisis

Lightning the Queen

Child malapropisms.

They’re one of the few true joys of parenthood.  Lest you think it’s insensitive to laugh at the nascent vocabulary of our young charges, may I remind you that as parents you’re grasping for something, literally anything, to help us get through the day without a mandated visit from Child Protective Services.  You need a little chuckle now and again to distract you from the fact that the top floor of your house smells like the men’s rest room at Citizen’s Bank Park, and most likely will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.

Like most of the children born between 1995-present, my boys enjoy the cinematic stylings of Pixar Animation Studios.  The first movie my oldest son saw in an actual theater was the weakest link in Pixar’s canon, Cars.  If you’re not privy to the plots of recent animated fare, Cars is Pixar’s creepy talking vehicle opus to finding work/life balance.  Of course, this celluloid exposure lead to countless viewings, a merchandise acquisition spree, and the unfortunate welding of Rascal Flatts’ re-imagining of Tom Cochrane’s “Life is a Highway” to one of my six available remaining neural pathways.

Cars stayed with my family for so long, that my second son began to show an interest in the movie and toys as well.    He took a particular shine to the protagonist of the Cars universe, Lightning McQueen.

Only he didn’t call him that.

He insisted his correct name was Lightning the Queen.

I like to imagine a fully formed world inhabited by talking cars where Lightning the Queen leaves Radiator Springs and the warm embrace of Sally and moves to South Beach.  Soon, he’s setting up house with a little Fiat voiced by Nathan Lane.  Three’s Company style mis-understandings and hi-jinks ensue.

Now that’s a Cars sequel I would pay cash-money to see.

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10 Sure Fire Steps to Having a GREAT Morning

  1. Leave the house with all of your children.
  2. Enjoy the pleasant daily ritual of exchanging friendly waves with the kind, elderly crossing guard lady.
  3. Drop off eldest child without his book bag or lunch.
  4. Return to your house to retrieve forgotten lunches and book bags.
  5. Reciprocate waves from the overly-eager aging crossing guard woman with a small courtesy hand gesture without taking your hands off the wheel.
  6. Park car in school lot and realize you retrieved the lunches but forgot the book bag.
  7. Return to your house to retrieve book bag.
  8. Give no acknowledgment to the pretentious waving of that grizzled old safety hag.  You’re only encouraging her.
  9. Park in school lot and hustle inside with your 4-year-old in tow to drop off  lunch and book bag.  Withstand the condescending looks of the school secretary who can’t figure out how you didn’t notice your child was missing THE ONLY TWO THINGS HE NEEDS every day given the fact that these items collectively weigh more than he does.
  10. Explain to local law enforcement why an area widow who volunteers her time to help children cross the street did not make her shift at the nursing home cafeteria this morning and why it has nothing to do with the fresh dent in your hood.
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10 Rumored Features of the New iPhone 4G

It's MAGICAL!In light of Gizmodo’s recent acquisition of a top-secret pre-production version of the iPhone 4G, speculation has begun on exactly what new features this life-altering device may offer.   Luckily, Ranzino.com has been able to confirm just a few of the many mind-blowing enhancements Apple has in store for us.

  1. Can shoot arcing bolts of blue lightning into insolent young Jedi.
  2. Features extended AT&T 4G network coverage which now includes 3 additional counties in West Virginia and one-third of Nebraska!
  3. Can connect to ANY application of your choice for synching and recharging.  No, just kidding! You’re still tied to that piece of crap bloatware iTunes.
  4. 4 words: Steve Wozniak default wallpaper.
  5. Convenient app that counts down the time till the release of the iPhone 4GS.
  6. Cures most types of skin cancer.
  7. Scientifically proven to be 27% shinier than the iPhone 3GS.
  8. Will only access Apple’s new proprietary “Orchard” web search due to claims that Google inversely affects battery life.
  9. New “Meta” application that allows you to take a picture, blog, and tweet about how you’re using your new iPhone while using your new iPhone.
  10. Infuses owners with the steely charisma and stage presence of Apple CEO Steve Jobs.*

*Non-charisma infused iPhones can be had at a discounted price but will require a wifi connection to achieve a functional state of enhanced self-importance.

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The Myth of Wii


The Non-Political Plumber, originally uploaded by ranzino.

Here’s how fanboys of the Nintendo Wii will defend their beloved gaming console to those who are less than enamored with the lifestyle that often accompanies video gaming:

But it’s not like other systems!  It gets you up and moving around!  It’s an ACTIVE experience!

I’ve got a 5-inch-deep impression (covered in a fine layer of Cheeto dust) in the seat cushion of my La-Z-boy that tells me you can play Wii Sports just fine without ever achieving a state that could be determined to be active unless you put a piece of glass under someone’s nose to see if they’re still breathing.

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Pocket Full of Kryptonite

When I was a freshman in college I specifically remembering going to see a Spin Doctors cover group perform at a local house party.

What I don’t remember (for a variety of reasons) is exactly what that jam band played after they covered both “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” and “Two Princes.” It didn’t seem strange to me at the time, but don’t you think that a cover group should choose a band that has an extensive catalog of songs from which to cover?

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Damn you George Lucas

You know your 5- year- old is probably watching too much Star Wars when your 2-year-old is humming John Williams’ Imperial March at the dinner table.

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Right Downturn Clyde

When we face the darkest of economic times, it takes a special breed of entertainer to lift our spirits as a nation.

Entertainers who can set aside their own personal fears to help the masses forget theirs.

Entertainers who can break down long-standing taboos thereby changing the direction of an entire industry.

Entertainers who can empathize with the double-edged sword of having opposable thumbs.

That’s right.  Much like when an ailing nation, still reeling from an energy crisis and mired in a recession, turned to an orangutan named Clyde and a chimp named Bear, it’s once again time to welcome simian-based humor into our lives.

Let the healing nature of monkeys on film begin.

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We’re Bringing SchlumpyBack

It’s a good sign that you probably need to do the laundry when your daycare provider remarks that the sweatpant ensemble you hastily put together for your 2-year-old that morning favors comparably to the fashion stylings of a rejected backup dancer from Justin Timberlake’s FutureSex/LoveSounds tour.

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Other Things Donovan McNabb Doesn’t Know

After a particularly uninspired gridiron matchup between the Cincinnati Bengals and the Philadelphia Eagles ended in 13-13 tie, Donovan McNabb, the 10-year veteran quarterback of the Eagles, revealed he didn’t know an NFL game could end in a stalemate.

So as to avoid awkward conversations if you were to meet Mr. McNabb in a social setting, I’ve prepared a partial listing of other common-knowledge items he just flat-out doesn’t know.

  • How to set his TiVo to record that Punky Brewster marathon on TVLand.
  • How many days has September, April, June and November (If only there were some sort of mnemonic device…).
  • How to manage a clock efficiently in the 2 minute drill.
  • The assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand ignited the Balkan powder keg thereby leading to WWI.
  • The i before e rule.
  • How many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.
  • Pi.  Not even to 5 decimals.
  • How much money his mom embezzled from him during those Chunky Soup endorsement deals.
  • The cell number of Brian Dawkins do-rag supplier.  Weapon X is surprisingly non-forthcoming.
  • Green M&M’s have no tangible effect on your passer rating.
  • The ingredients in a B.L.T. sandwich.
  • Where babies come from.
  • What the big deal is about the Phillies right now.
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